While researching some information for the novel that I am currently at work on, I came across information about Dr. John Gottman's “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” when it comes to relationship behaviors. Although I hadn't been in search of information on improving myself when it comes to relationships, if you know me at all, you know I am always up for improvement, especially since the recent end of a relationship that I truly wanted to work. So . . . I dove into the material and am grateful for the happenstance that lead me to Dr. Gottman's information. In short, Dr. Gottman's information about these behaviors states that there are 4 behaviors that will lead to the deterioration and potential end of a relationship if not addressed and worked through.
The first of these would be criticizing rather than stating a complaint. I see this happen quite frequently in relationships. How many times do you find yourself frustrated that someone you care about did something, said something or forgot something? Probably a lot, we are all after all humans. How you react in those situation though is vitally important. It's ok to be upset, and it's ok to state your complaint, but don't make it a generalization when you do. If you catch yourself about to say something like, "You always do this" or "You never remember anything, and I can't count on you," stop. Think about how such a statement would sound to you? It would probably hurt, so it's probably going to hurt the other individual. Clearly state what your complaint is instead, make it about that one incident, that one moment, and you will likely have a more open line of communication and a better outcome. Next would come showing contempt in a variety of ways for the other person. This can be from either side during a disagreement, that is, the individual who raised the complaint or the individual responding to the complaint. Dr. Gottman asserts that these are most often non-verbal cues, things like eye-rolling, sneers and other facial expressions that convey contempt. That said, they can be communicated in language that contains sarcasm or that mocks the other individual. Think to a time when someone treated you with contempt for whatever reason and in whatever way. No one likes to experience these sorts of behaviors, so we should work hard to insure we aren't doing them to someone we care for. Our next horseman is one that we have developed over the years and that can serve a good purpose - defensiveness. We do need to look out for ourselves and set boundaries to insure we have a healthy self-image; however, when we use it as a tactic to avoid respectful discussions with someone we love, the relationship only further deteriorates. When we become defensive, we take no responsibility for what we did, and often, we seek to shift the blame to the other person. We bring up something that person did and try to claim it made us behave the way we did in the moment. Our actions and behavior are always our choice. If someone you care about is doing something you don't like, speak up in a respectful manner rather than act in a way that provokes the other individual. The last behavior outlined by Dr. Gottman is stonewalling. You don't usually see stonewalling until things have gotten very bad in the relationship, and it is usually only one of the individuals who does it. Without intervention, the relationship will usually fail if it gets to this point. The stonewaller is the one who disconnects from the relationship, he or she turns away from any conflict, acts like he or she cares less about what the other person is saying and indeed turn away from the other individual. Can a relationship where someone is stonewalling be saved? Probably, but I feel it would be better to avoid getting to that dangerous point. As I look back on my various relationships, I can see things that I did that made me part of the four horseman problem, but I also see some things that I enacted that helped. I rarely stonewall, and never completely do. As an optimist, it goes against my nature. I might stonewall in the middle of an argument where I don't feel valued, but I believe reconciliation is always possible. I am probably the most guilty of being defensive and that can lead to the other two behaviors, especially having it become a criticism rather than a complaint. I think right there is an important step one. Know yourself. Evaluate your past relationships, determine where you most at guilt when an argument happens and as a step two be mindful of those issues. As you become more aware and make yourself more aware of what your behavior problems are, and indeed what triggers them, you will find it easier to avoid those pitfalls. One thing I tried to do in one of my most recent relationships, was to set up time to openly discuss issues. I suggested we could ask questions without reproach, give compliments, answer those questions or not without reproach and voice a complaint. It worked really well. Unfortunately, we discontinued it as we got more comfortable, and I still think that was a mistake. Don't be afraid to get help! No one is perfect. We are raised with the idea that we have to do it all on our own and solve all of our problems ourselves. Sometimes, that's just not possible. In order to move forward, having help from a therapist might prove the only way. Don't be embarrassed or feel like a failure for needing help. If you really value the relationship, it's worth it. Lastly, I would say, don't beat yourself up. Sometimes, things don't work out, and even though you might have made mistakes, a relationship takes both people involved being invested and willing to work. Relationships take more work than work itself, but in the end, I may only be a romantic dreamer to some, but I feel they are worth that work, worth the soul-searching. If you are in a relationship that you feel is worth it, start an open conversation and begin the hard work to make sure it will last. If the other person is not willing to, know you tried your best, but be willing to move on to someone who will work with you.
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