From an early age, I had plans.
I would set the world on fire— everyone would know my name. Then life got in the way, and I realized the world's already on fire. The world only remembers the firefighters. When I found true love, I had plans. It would last forever— no truer love would exist. Then life got in the way, and I came to know that nothing is forever. Certain obligations transcend the heart. After my heart's break, I had plans. I would live uncomplicated-- love couldn't touch me. Then life got in the way, and I discovered a heart still beats. No matter how you try, it will survive. Surviving this long, I have plans. I will live each day just for what it is— no more lofty ambitions and goals. Then life got in the way, and dreams return to my head. Will nothing ever end? Even a wasteland has open space
for the green shoots of growing hope and the taproot of the human race But the wasteland's the old-timer's trope for our creation of modern despair we must hang ourselves on a new rope Today we slink from our mother's lair into a world of heaped detritus lost and alone in a place of no prayer Daily we drown in the oozing pus puddles of piss create quicksand that binds unlucky victims who can only cuss As children we play amongst the molding minds and rotten writings of our forebearers spurning wisdom for half-eaten rinds Darwin's dogmas masquerade as our teachers in a world where rulers are soon toppled and safety resides with the loners Every night I stand alone on the razed playing fields
Waiting for you, the keeper of the night's white fire You promised to teach me all you knew of cooler nights and fiery noons Then I felt your frost-flecked wind as it shook the color out of the trees Clambering for entrance through my single pane i was helpless to stop my drowning But you silenced your fire and took society's view denouncing the unorthodox love we knew I've no stock in society's rules a tribute to raving ass-eared fools. As the memorials rang in today on the 13th anniversary of the dark day now known as 9-11, you often heard, "We will never forget."
We already have. I hear your protests. What of the somber memorials, the ringing of bells, the names being read? Yes, those are nice, and of course, we are not soon going to forget what happened that day and memorials will go on, but we have already forgotten the greatest lesson that day gave us. Fellowship. I remember being at work and glancing online briefly to see the shocking news. I remember the eerily empty skies. I remember the sense of loss. What I recall mostly though was how we as Americans came together following the tragedy. It didn't matter if you were directly impacted or what color your skin was or which political party you belonged to. It just mattered that you were fellow Americans sharing a tragic moment and coming together, showing each other your better angels. Here we are, not even twenty years out from the tragedy, and we have already left all of that behind. We are a bitterly divided people who seem to care more about our political party gaining a majority than about how we get to that result or even if that's what's best for our country. Rather than openly debate issues, we resort to curse words and name-calling to any that oppose our beliefs. We've lost sight that the people we are so busy berating are our brothers and sisters, our fellow Americans. When the towers fell, the Pentagon fell under attack and a plane was brought down by ordinary heroes, I watched as President George W. Bush had to address our nation. Despite the fact that I didn't vote for him and had little to agree with him on politically, I felt for him that day, as another American, another human facing an unimaginable horror. By all means, we should debate each other and engage in protests to make our point known, but why must we resort to pettiness to do so? Before we point too many fingers at our elected officials, we should take a long look in the mirror. Afterall, we elected them and they reflect the will of the American people. We should all strive to do a little better in order to truly honor the memory of those who lost their lives that day and remember that we are all Americans. Of course, we should also take a moment to reflect that many who lost their lives were not American, lending an international component to our sense of fellowship. death plays coy once again keeping me from escape
from all the memories that bring nothing but pain. would be better to burn out like a roman candle up in flames, fast and furious without the wasting. wasting wasting wasting slipping further away into the blue-black veldt that hangs over the moon and stars of the my night. there, hidden behind it all, death laughs at struggles as inconsequential as mine, striping love and beauty from the bones until nothing remains but ichor. ugliness abounds in the modern age of here today off tomorrow to the next sparkling thing if only I could find a way to live as the others do, and bury myself alive in the process of becoming other. wake up, set the sun on fire
it's time to go out again out into the bright darkness of the world. slip your scarred skin, like armor forged from all the bled-letting of love's embrace, carefully over the tender bones. make up your best face, the one with a hint of indifference and interest mixed in equal part to hold on the cut-out smile. advertise yourself - here is a heart ready again for anguish and despair - make yourself known in all the right circles. open the door, put a foot in front of the other it's time to go out again out into the darkly lit brightness of her world. I saw you in shadow and light.
A vision to behold, a fiery light that lit up the night. In you mixed the aromas of things beyond my reason, things that excited the heart of me and made me long for a soul worthy of a path that would lead to your own. You viewed me. You evaluated, calculated the trajectory that would lead to a shared path. In a mere glance, you contrived the exact arc of such a path, how the fires would burn to cool and meld into either security or a burnout. Probable failure but worth the risk. Into your orbit, I fell. A steady rhythm of heart, soul and a meeting of minds. I could hear your heartbeat, as it fluttered just so often, a skip of a beat, what did it mean? Would you be mine for all time? I imagined a future ending in two souls entwined for all time. You heard a heartbeat, the pulling in and pushing out of blood. Skips are a myth contrived by overactive imaginations. Out of imagination we deceive ourselves into believing things that aren't real, you couldn't see souls and entwining was farfetched. We together moved mountains, whether by sheer brilliance or the steady work of a pebble at a time. Others heard music like none other in our wake and the steady beat of our hearts pumped out a perfume that made them long for another glance. I felt the demon after it held firmly to my soul, pulling me down into some purgatory of sadness and depression. How this shattered heart still pumped my life-force to keep going remains a mystery to me. Life, colorless and without hope propels me to the end. You reject the us as mythology, the realm of unicorns and gods that shower down on their subjects. Rational, cold and alone, you calculate, looking for the next arc, the next destination, vowing to be more logical in your next selection. "We are such stuff. As dreams are made on; and our little life. Is
rounded with a sleep." - Shakespeare, The Tempest Yes, our little life is but rounded with a sleep. However, those small moments in between our sleep are what make life stunningly beautiful. Even as we struggle through our day-to-day toil of work, triumphs and failures, if we only step back, we can see just how beautiful a life is. What adds to the deep rich texture and color of our lives are the people we allow in. I have been blessed with not many deep relationships, but those I have had have been the stuff to make a life worth living. I met one such individual five years ago. I won't name names, as she is a private person, and I would do her injustice not to respect that, but she started by loving me. I am not always the easiest of people to love, but she fell in love with me, and even though we may not still be together, I believe she loves me still, in spite of all my deficiencies. She showed me a courage that I think sometimes she even doubts in herself when she pursued me. Then she showed the world her perseverance when she kept after me. Even though I already knew that I loved her, it was hard for me to let my guard down. Perhaps in some ways, I never did fully, and that definitely contributed to the end of us. In her presence, I usually felt that I could be myself, that I could laugh at life and that anything was possible. She helped me to find that ability within to dream and plan and work toward making a brilliant future. That's why it was so hard when she told me last year that she was ending our relationship. I have come to realize that in doing so, she pushed me on to another step in my evolution, my transcendence to becoming a better person, a person that I can be proud of, a person who will start to live life the way I should be. It was (and still is) a bitch getting through the fall, but without it, I would not have gotten through some things that I really needed to get through. Now that I am making changes, working through the issues and becoming better, I am showing my perseverance. I may never win her back as my lover, but I will not stop being her friend for I love her far too much to let her out of my life that easily. I must say, "Thank you, " to her for every wonderful thing that she has brought into my life. Even when things have a terrible moment, something wonderful can grow from it. Like the Phoenix, I am reborn and will be better for it. He spoke to me with his eyes, soft and brown, a mixture of equal parts pride and pleading. He could only speak to me with his eyes because all I had of him was a picture. I couldn't get that look out of my eyes. I downloaded the picture to my computer. I would look at him again and again many times every day. I knew I needed him in my life. Was I ready though?
No, I hadn't seen a picture of my human soulmate, but it was a picture of my horse soulmate. The picture came from the CANTER (then West Viriginia) Mid-Atlantic site. I was getting ready to turn 30 and was feeling a huge hole in my soul. I had come to realize the previous year that part of my deep emptiness was that I had no horse in my life. I felt I was finally at a point financially that I could do right by a horse, so I had been looking that previous year, but had only seen one horse that piqued my interest When I called he had already been adopted. I was disappointed, but it turned out to be for a reason. The reason was Blue Blue Sea. The horse who spoke to my soul with his eyes. I had only clicked on his listing because he was a chestnut and he had Alysheba (ALYDAR) in his pedigree. It didn't hurt that he had Sea Hero, too, as I had been a fan for him in the 1993 run for the roses. Still, I had looked at other horses with Alydar's blood running through their veins and none of them were in my life. This one was different somehow. I have never felt a connection like that with any horse through just a picture. When I finally called, I was crestfallen to learn that there had been a lot of interest in him. They took my name, saying if I didn't hear back, it meant he had been sold. I kept his picture. I kept looking at it and wishing. I have no doubt that I would still have this picture if Blue Blue Sea had never come into my life. I went on with my life, looking at other horses, but always coming back to his picture. Two weeks later, I had all but given up on any chance of ever meeting Blue Blue Sea. To top it off, I had been sick the night before with an intestinal bug. I had spent most of that day in February sleeping and recovering. When the home phone rang, I almost didn't pick up, but I did check the caller ID. I recognized the name as the owner of the horse that had so captured my attention. I leapt to my feet and took the call. Blue Blue Sea had not sold. People had come to look at him but passed. I was going to meet him that Saturday! Friends told me - you know you will be bringing that horse home, right? I insisted I was only going to look, but my heart already knew they were right. Myself and another lady met him that Saturday. He was the horse we both wanted. I knew upon meeting him that the connection through the picture ran deep. The other woman could come right away with a trailer while I would need to make boarding and trailering arrangements. My heart sunk again, as I felt certain I would lose out on this horse who kept tugging at my heart. The owner met with both of us privately. He opted to sell Blue Blue Sea to me, even though I couldn't take him right away. My heart sang with joy. At the time, I wasn't overly aware of the deep spiritual nature of that connection, but looking back, I know that the Creator was at work here. I am a spiritual person. I do believe in a higher power, but I am not a disciple of any religion because I think we all have the story wrong, even me. We are after all, humans, and it's not in our nature to get things perfect. My connection to Blue Blue Sea started in that moment when I looked into those eyes in nothing more than a photograph. The fact that he didn't sell to any of the other many interested individuals is further proof. Even him going to me, who wasn't ready to bring him home, rather than the woman who was. I am sure she was a good individual and would make a great home for a horse, but the circumstances would not have been right for Blue Blue Sea, knowing his life story as I do now. I was the right home for Blue Blue Sea and he was the right horse for me. Many people told me as I struggled through another illness or issue with him that I saved his life or that he was lucky I owned him. That may be true, but my reply was and always will be, I was lucky to have him in my life. At a time when I was feeling lost and down, the perfect horse looked into my soul and saved me. |
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