wake up, set the sun on fire
it's time to go out again out into the bright darkness of the world. slip your scarred skin, like armor forged from all the bled-letting of love's embrace, carefully over the tender bones. make up your best face, the one with a hint of indifference and interest mixed in equal part to hold on the cut-out smile. advertise yourself - here is a heart ready again for anguish and despair - make yourself known in all the right circles. open the door, put a foot in front of the other it's time to go out again out into the darkly lit brightness of her world. So this happened, when I was just a baby. The era was the mid 1970's, and my mother, like most mom's, looked for ways to make her tasks of motherhood easier. My sister, three years older than me, was already on the scene when I arrived. Mothers out there can surely relate to the feeling of being a bit overworked that I am certain my mother had at that time, caring for a toddler and a new
baby and being a housewife. One of her purchases to help keep the new baby, me, corralled and easier to tote around, was a simple green backpack looking device with cottontail bunny on it. Of course, today's mothers have all sorts of fancy backpack contraptions that strap down their babies and then allow them to be toted along their backs. Back then things were much simpler. Thinking I was securely in the backpack, my mother trudged up the driveway to our Del Rio, Texas, home. Evidently, the backpack was not securely fastened, and out came baby, onto the gravel drive. I like to think it was a daring headfirst dive, a brave moment preparing me for later tumbles from horseback or while performing a dismount from a swing. Did I cry? No. Well, I don't recall, so I will say I did not. I survived the incident relatively unscathed. Now it makes for the most humorous moments. When someone asks in a sarcastic tone, "What's wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?" With a twinkle in my eye, I can legitimately answer back, "Yes." The story always gets many laughs, and some of my friends would say, explains a think or two about my personality. i need to request a favor
no, not that you love me again, for i know that i cannot make that so i ask that you remember me i feel as though my life is being consumed, taken away bit by bit, soon nothing much will remain of me and i need to know that one person who knew me remembers me. Although each day, I find my strength restored a little more,
I feel far away from you, removed in time to another place where there never was an us. The universe is slowly washing away all memory of those lines we blurred. In their place there are only sharp edges that tear at the heart and soul. I saw you in shadow and light.
A vision to behold, a fiery light that lit up the night. In you mixed the aromas of things beyond my reason, things that excited the heart of me and made me long for a soul worthy of a path that would lead to your own. You viewed me. You evaluated, calculated the trajectory that would lead to a shared path. In a mere glance, you contrived the exact arc of such a path, how the fires would burn to cool and meld into either security or a burnout. Probable failure but worth the risk. Into your orbit, I fell. A steady rhythm of heart, soul and a meeting of minds. I could hear your heartbeat, as it fluttered just so often, a skip of a beat, what did it mean? Would you be mine for all time? I imagined a future ending in two souls entwined for all time. You heard a heartbeat, the pulling in and pushing out of blood. Skips are a myth contrived by overactive imaginations. Out of imagination we deceive ourselves into believing things that aren't real, you couldn't see souls and entwining was farfetched. We together moved mountains, whether by sheer brilliance or the steady work of a pebble at a time. Others heard music like none other in our wake and the steady beat of our hearts pumped out a perfume that made them long for another glance. I felt the demon after it held firmly to my soul, pulling me down into some purgatory of sadness and depression. How this shattered heart still pumped my life-force to keep going remains a mystery to me. Life, colorless and without hope propels me to the end. You reject the us as mythology, the realm of unicorns and gods that shower down on their subjects. Rational, cold and alone, you calculate, looking for the next arc, the next destination, vowing to be more logical in your next selection. sitting on the bridge, dangling toes in the creek
the bridge is cool, the only thing that is on this impossibly warm day she's asking me questions about politics, pollution and possibilities and the day is just warm enough to loosen my tongue. I am spilling out my heart one pearl at a time on a well worn lifeline,not realizing just what I am saying and what the impact might be. something in the wind whispers for me to be still and in the silence I catch a glimpse of her wide, wondering eyes. She's asked me what I mean, and now is waiting for my reply. I have no idea, and to myself I think, sometimes the moment is bigger than the messenger. That though, won't do for an explanation of myself and what it all means, so I exhale and prepare a truncated soliloquy that might serve as a moment's distraction. smoke hung in the air and in my eyes, clouding my vision to reality
thank you though, for dispelling the smog and making it clear, how a straight flush of money, power, status and security will always trump true love, passion, dedication and sacrifice for you. I have given up on poker, it's a game I no longer care to play when fickle hearts will beat you with their clubs and spades, as they acquire more and more diamonds to their pool and fools like me aren't wanted in that game anyway. "We are such stuff. As dreams are made on; and our little life. Is
rounded with a sleep." - Shakespeare, The Tempest Yes, our little life is but rounded with a sleep. However, those small moments in between our sleep are what make life stunningly beautiful. Even as we struggle through our day-to-day toil of work, triumphs and failures, if we only step back, we can see just how beautiful a life is. What adds to the deep rich texture and color of our lives are the people we allow in. I have been blessed with not many deep relationships, but those I have had have been the stuff to make a life worth living. I met one such individual five years ago. I won't name names, as she is a private person, and I would do her injustice not to respect that, but she started by loving me. I am not always the easiest of people to love, but she fell in love with me, and even though we may not still be together, I believe she loves me still, in spite of all my deficiencies. She showed me a courage that I think sometimes she even doubts in herself when she pursued me. Then she showed the world her perseverance when she kept after me. Even though I already knew that I loved her, it was hard for me to let my guard down. Perhaps in some ways, I never did fully, and that definitely contributed to the end of us. In her presence, I usually felt that I could be myself, that I could laugh at life and that anything was possible. She helped me to find that ability within to dream and plan and work toward making a brilliant future. That's why it was so hard when she told me last year that she was ending our relationship. I have come to realize that in doing so, she pushed me on to another step in my evolution, my transcendence to becoming a better person, a person that I can be proud of, a person who will start to live life the way I should be. It was (and still is) a bitch getting through the fall, but without it, I would not have gotten through some things that I really needed to get through. Now that I am making changes, working through the issues and becoming better, I am showing my perseverance. I may never win her back as my lover, but I will not stop being her friend for I love her far too much to let her out of my life that easily. I must say, "Thank you, " to her for every wonderful thing that she has brought into my life. Even when things have a terrible moment, something wonderful can grow from it. Like the Phoenix, I am reborn and will be better for it. For me, no distance measured in miles, time or spirit would ever take me away from Andy. That day when she had emerged from the balloons, my heart knew where it belonged. As I shuffled from foot to foot waiting for the much anticipated reunion, I bought a balloon, all part of my grand plan.
I worked my way over to an empty spot on boardwalk and carefully looped the balloon's string through the hole in a small but flawless diamond ring. All through college, I had given up on parties, booze and frivolous expense. Every spare dime had ended up in the diamond fund. The result now hung from a lime green balloon that bobbed playfully in the wind. Then, there she strolled, down the boardwalk, like a model on the catwalk. I could barely keep my heart from escaping my chest and nearly lost the balloon and its prize. "Hello, beautiful," I managed with a smile. She smiled back, and in the replay, I saw what I had missed before. The unease in the smile. The reserved air. The way she kept her body at a remove, distanced from me. "We need to talk," she said, motioning to a deserted bench near the end of the boardwalk. The old heart in my chest crumpled because we knew the outcome, but then I had actually thought how wonderful, secluded it would calm my nerves to ask the most important question of my life. She ignored my attempt to take her hand and marched to the lonely bench. I sat, but she didn't. "I'm sorry," she began. "Whatever for?" "I've met someone. We didn't mean for it to happen, but . . .. well you see, he's a lawyer, probably going to be a senator one day and he already has a house that his parents bought just for him, well now for us. He asked. I said, 'yes.' You understand don't you?" I nodded my head, but I didn't understand anything, not at that second. The horrible moment of understanding would come, but in that second my mind refused to connect the dots. "You do?" She asked hopefully. I held out the balloon to her like some fool. Tears had started to stream down my cheeks, but I wasn't fully aware why even then. I watched as she took the balloon and noticed the small ring hanging from the end. I also noticed the huge ring already in the spot where my small offering would have rested. How could I have missed that all those years ago? "Oh, no, no, I'm so sorry, but I can't take this, not now." Her face had turned red. I didn't say a word, but I rose and walked away, out of her life, but all these years, I had never let her walk out of mine. I had rejected all others over the years, hoping she would come back to me. Now that she stood before me, I wondered what to do on the boardwalk. He spoke to me with his eyes, soft and brown, a mixture of equal parts pride and pleading. He could only speak to me with his eyes because all I had of him was a picture. I couldn't get that look out of my eyes. I downloaded the picture to my computer. I would look at him again and again many times every day. I knew I needed him in my life. Was I ready though?
No, I hadn't seen a picture of my human soulmate, but it was a picture of my horse soulmate. The picture came from the CANTER (then West Viriginia) Mid-Atlantic site. I was getting ready to turn 30 and was feeling a huge hole in my soul. I had come to realize the previous year that part of my deep emptiness was that I had no horse in my life. I felt I was finally at a point financially that I could do right by a horse, so I had been looking that previous year, but had only seen one horse that piqued my interest When I called he had already been adopted. I was disappointed, but it turned out to be for a reason. The reason was Blue Blue Sea. The horse who spoke to my soul with his eyes. I had only clicked on his listing because he was a chestnut and he had Alysheba (ALYDAR) in his pedigree. It didn't hurt that he had Sea Hero, too, as I had been a fan for him in the 1993 run for the roses. Still, I had looked at other horses with Alydar's blood running through their veins and none of them were in my life. This one was different somehow. I have never felt a connection like that with any horse through just a picture. When I finally called, I was crestfallen to learn that there had been a lot of interest in him. They took my name, saying if I didn't hear back, it meant he had been sold. I kept his picture. I kept looking at it and wishing. I have no doubt that I would still have this picture if Blue Blue Sea had never come into my life. I went on with my life, looking at other horses, but always coming back to his picture. Two weeks later, I had all but given up on any chance of ever meeting Blue Blue Sea. To top it off, I had been sick the night before with an intestinal bug. I had spent most of that day in February sleeping and recovering. When the home phone rang, I almost didn't pick up, but I did check the caller ID. I recognized the name as the owner of the horse that had so captured my attention. I leapt to my feet and took the call. Blue Blue Sea had not sold. People had come to look at him but passed. I was going to meet him that Saturday! Friends told me - you know you will be bringing that horse home, right? I insisted I was only going to look, but my heart already knew they were right. Myself and another lady met him that Saturday. He was the horse we both wanted. I knew upon meeting him that the connection through the picture ran deep. The other woman could come right away with a trailer while I would need to make boarding and trailering arrangements. My heart sunk again, as I felt certain I would lose out on this horse who kept tugging at my heart. The owner met with both of us privately. He opted to sell Blue Blue Sea to me, even though I couldn't take him right away. My heart sang with joy. At the time, I wasn't overly aware of the deep spiritual nature of that connection, but looking back, I know that the Creator was at work here. I am a spiritual person. I do believe in a higher power, but I am not a disciple of any religion because I think we all have the story wrong, even me. We are after all, humans, and it's not in our nature to get things perfect. My connection to Blue Blue Sea started in that moment when I looked into those eyes in nothing more than a photograph. The fact that he didn't sell to any of the other many interested individuals is further proof. Even him going to me, who wasn't ready to bring him home, rather than the woman who was. I am sure she was a good individual and would make a great home for a horse, but the circumstances would not have been right for Blue Blue Sea, knowing his life story as I do now. I was the right home for Blue Blue Sea and he was the right horse for me. Many people told me as I struggled through another illness or issue with him that I saved his life or that he was lucky I owned him. That may be true, but my reply was and always will be, I was lucky to have him in my life. At a time when I was feeling lost and down, the perfect horse looked into my soul and saved me. |
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