Although each day, I find my strength restored a little more,
I feel far away from you, removed in time to another place where there never was an us. The universe is slowly washing away all memory of those lines we blurred. In their place there are only sharp edges that tear at the heart and soul. I saw you in shadow and light.
A vision to behold, a fiery light that lit up the night. In you mixed the aromas of things beyond my reason, things that excited the heart of me and made me long for a soul worthy of a path that would lead to your own. You viewed me. You evaluated, calculated the trajectory that would lead to a shared path. In a mere glance, you contrived the exact arc of such a path, how the fires would burn to cool and meld into either security or a burnout. Probable failure but worth the risk. Into your orbit, I fell. A steady rhythm of heart, soul and a meeting of minds. I could hear your heartbeat, as it fluttered just so often, a skip of a beat, what did it mean? Would you be mine for all time? I imagined a future ending in two souls entwined for all time. You heard a heartbeat, the pulling in and pushing out of blood. Skips are a myth contrived by overactive imaginations. Out of imagination we deceive ourselves into believing things that aren't real, you couldn't see souls and entwining was farfetched. We together moved mountains, whether by sheer brilliance or the steady work of a pebble at a time. Others heard music like none other in our wake and the steady beat of our hearts pumped out a perfume that made them long for another glance. I felt the demon after it held firmly to my soul, pulling me down into some purgatory of sadness and depression. How this shattered heart still pumped my life-force to keep going remains a mystery to me. Life, colorless and without hope propels me to the end. You reject the us as mythology, the realm of unicorns and gods that shower down on their subjects. Rational, cold and alone, you calculate, looking for the next arc, the next destination, vowing to be more logical in your next selection. sitting on the bridge, dangling toes in the creek
the bridge is cool, the only thing that is on this impossibly warm day she's asking me questions about politics, pollution and possibilities and the day is just warm enough to loosen my tongue. I am spilling out my heart one pearl at a time on a well worn lifeline,not realizing just what I am saying and what the impact might be. something in the wind whispers for me to be still and in the silence I catch a glimpse of her wide, wondering eyes. She's asked me what I mean, and now is waiting for my reply. I have no idea, and to myself I think, sometimes the moment is bigger than the messenger. That though, won't do for an explanation of myself and what it all means, so I exhale and prepare a truncated soliloquy that might serve as a moment's distraction. smoke hung in the air and in my eyes, clouding my vision to reality
thank you though, for dispelling the smog and making it clear, how a straight flush of money, power, status and security will always trump true love, passion, dedication and sacrifice for you. I have given up on poker, it's a game I no longer care to play when fickle hearts will beat you with their clubs and spades, as they acquire more and more diamonds to their pool and fools like me aren't wanted in that game anyway. "We are such stuff. As dreams are made on; and our little life. Is
rounded with a sleep." - Shakespeare, The Tempest Yes, our little life is but rounded with a sleep. However, those small moments in between our sleep are what make life stunningly beautiful. Even as we struggle through our day-to-day toil of work, triumphs and failures, if we only step back, we can see just how beautiful a life is. What adds to the deep rich texture and color of our lives are the people we allow in. I have been blessed with not many deep relationships, but those I have had have been the stuff to make a life worth living. I met one such individual five years ago. I won't name names, as she is a private person, and I would do her injustice not to respect that, but she started by loving me. I am not always the easiest of people to love, but she fell in love with me, and even though we may not still be together, I believe she loves me still, in spite of all my deficiencies. She showed me a courage that I think sometimes she even doubts in herself when she pursued me. Then she showed the world her perseverance when she kept after me. Even though I already knew that I loved her, it was hard for me to let my guard down. Perhaps in some ways, I never did fully, and that definitely contributed to the end of us. In her presence, I usually felt that I could be myself, that I could laugh at life and that anything was possible. She helped me to find that ability within to dream and plan and work toward making a brilliant future. That's why it was so hard when she told me last year that she was ending our relationship. I have come to realize that in doing so, she pushed me on to another step in my evolution, my transcendence to becoming a better person, a person that I can be proud of, a person who will start to live life the way I should be. It was (and still is) a bitch getting through the fall, but without it, I would not have gotten through some things that I really needed to get through. Now that I am making changes, working through the issues and becoming better, I am showing my perseverance. I may never win her back as my lover, but I will not stop being her friend for I love her far too much to let her out of my life that easily. I must say, "Thank you, " to her for every wonderful thing that she has brought into my life. Even when things have a terrible moment, something wonderful can grow from it. Like the Phoenix, I am reborn and will be better for it. For me, no distance measured in miles, time or spirit would ever take me away from Andy. That day when she had emerged from the balloons, my heart knew where it belonged. As I shuffled from foot to foot waiting for the much anticipated reunion, I bought a balloon, all part of my grand plan.
I worked my way over to an empty spot on boardwalk and carefully looped the balloon's string through the hole in a small but flawless diamond ring. All through college, I had given up on parties, booze and frivolous expense. Every spare dime had ended up in the diamond fund. The result now hung from a lime green balloon that bobbed playfully in the wind. Then, there she strolled, down the boardwalk, like a model on the catwalk. I could barely keep my heart from escaping my chest and nearly lost the balloon and its prize. "Hello, beautiful," I managed with a smile. She smiled back, and in the replay, I saw what I had missed before. The unease in the smile. The reserved air. The way she kept her body at a remove, distanced from me. "We need to talk," she said, motioning to a deserted bench near the end of the boardwalk. The old heart in my chest crumpled because we knew the outcome, but then I had actually thought how wonderful, secluded it would calm my nerves to ask the most important question of my life. She ignored my attempt to take her hand and marched to the lonely bench. I sat, but she didn't. "I'm sorry," she began. "Whatever for?" "I've met someone. We didn't mean for it to happen, but . . .. well you see, he's a lawyer, probably going to be a senator one day and he already has a house that his parents bought just for him, well now for us. He asked. I said, 'yes.' You understand don't you?" I nodded my head, but I didn't understand anything, not at that second. The horrible moment of understanding would come, but in that second my mind refused to connect the dots. "You do?" She asked hopefully. I held out the balloon to her like some fool. Tears had started to stream down my cheeks, but I wasn't fully aware why even then. I watched as she took the balloon and noticed the small ring hanging from the end. I also noticed the huge ring already in the spot where my small offering would have rested. How could I have missed that all those years ago? "Oh, no, no, I'm so sorry, but I can't take this, not now." Her face had turned red. I didn't say a word, but I rose and walked away, out of her life, but all these years, I had never let her walk out of mine. I had rejected all others over the years, hoping she would come back to me. Now that she stood before me, I wondered what to do on the boardwalk. For me, 2013 was not a good year. I had been headed in a bit of a
downward spiral starting in 2012 when some things had gone wrong. Then in February of 2013, my beloved horse died suddenly. That set me into a deep and lasting period of depression and withdrawal. Then, my neck issue started up again and this time it was worse than ever, leading to my surgery this year. However, of all those things, none compares to the ending of the best love of my life. While it was not my decision to end the relationship, and I know that I alone did not cause to the breakdown, I do regret that I didn't do more to open the channels of communication and work on my issues that might have led to a different ending. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, to this point has left me with such a sense of loss and regret as having my girlfriend of 4 years tell me that she was ending things. With therapy and time, I have been able to accept her decision and survive. Survival was very much not guaranteed for several months after the split. I can believe the scientific studies that have found how in some cases breakups can be like drug withdrawal, for I had many of the same types of symptoms. Now, most days are ok and some are even very good, but I still have moments, sometimes even full days, where the pain becomes very real again. There are some things you just know in life, and for me, I've no doubt that I lost the best love (not including family love) that can happen between two individuals. So for me, I wish: I had said I love you more. I had made more time to things with her. I had kissed her more often. I had spent more quiet moments just feeling the warmth of her presence. I had dealt with my hang-ups and doubts earlier. I had spoke more openly about what was going on under my façade. I had written to her of my deep-felt feelings. I had done all of the things I could to insure we were still together. None of it might have worked, but I would be left with less regret now. What do you regret? I had come to the boardwalk since before I could walk. My mother would bundle up my sister and I and off we would go to the beach nearly every weekend of my youth. As a child, ventures to the boardwalk only happened when she wanted something there, but as we grew up, she let us go more and more together and then on our own. The beach could relax you, but the boardwalk held the real excitement. From the dancing lights to the magical music, I fell for the boardwalk's charms hard. I never imagined I could love anything more than the boardwalk until I met her. I sat that day when she found me on a bench sucking down the remnants of a rapidly dissolving purple sno-cone. She deftly parted a nebula of dancing balloons and stepped into my stratosphere. Gravity pulled me to those piercing green eyes and something in my young heart told me that life would never be the same. What was left of the sno-cone fell to the ground, one more forgotten casualty of lost childhood. "Hi, I'm Andy, short for Andrea." She thrust her had in my face, and I recall sitting there like a mute. I could hear her asking if I had a name and looking more puzzled. I shared her confusion because I had never had trouble talking. Friendship started that day on the boardwalk, after I found my tongue, of course, and eventually, it would blossom into full-blown romance, with stolen kisses and fervent promises uttered on steamy nights as we strolled hand-in-hand on the boardwalk. Whisked away from those mostly happy moments, my mind showed me our final meeting on the boardwalk. Each of us unaware of what the other had in mind during that reunion meeting. Both of us had been away at colleges hundreds of miles apart. even the dead have birthdays to distract them from their obsession with the living.
they dress up in party hats and throw confetti on the special day. there is cake and ice cream and perhaps some adult beverages. music fills the air and they delight in one another's company. i no longer have birthdays because i am neither living nor dead. i'm stuck between worlds without a heart anymore. Her hair once a red-gold that I could only call chestnut had turned the silvery-blonde that those with red hair always seemed to chose in defiance of the white that touched most of us. Wrinkles mapped the life she had led since we had last stood on this boardwalk when she told me that she was not happy and that she was leaving me with an empty apartment and a useless ring in my pocket.
Of all my memories on the boardwalk, those belonging to her kept me coming back. As fast as a speeding bullet, as fast as an airbag springs to save a life, as fast as a jet pierces the sky, a single memory of us unfolded. Of all the ones to select, my mind made the easiest association. Fifteen years old. Is there ever a more perfect and dreadful time of life? |
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