Although each day, I find my strength restored a little more,
I feel far away from you, removed in time to another place where there never was an us. The universe is slowly washing away all memory of those lines we blurred. In their place there are only sharp edges that tear at the heart and soul. I saw you in shadow and light.
A vision to behold, a fiery light that lit up the night. In you mixed the aromas of things beyond my reason, things that excited the heart of me and made me long for a soul worthy of a path that would lead to your own. You viewed me. You evaluated, calculated the trajectory that would lead to a shared path. In a mere glance, you contrived the exact arc of such a path, how the fires would burn to cool and meld into either security or a burnout. Probable failure but worth the risk. Into your orbit, I fell. A steady rhythm of heart, soul and a meeting of minds. I could hear your heartbeat, as it fluttered just so often, a skip of a beat, what did it mean? Would you be mine for all time? I imagined a future ending in two souls entwined for all time. You heard a heartbeat, the pulling in and pushing out of blood. Skips are a myth contrived by overactive imaginations. Out of imagination we deceive ourselves into believing things that aren't real, you couldn't see souls and entwining was farfetched. We together moved mountains, whether by sheer brilliance or the steady work of a pebble at a time. Others heard music like none other in our wake and the steady beat of our hearts pumped out a perfume that made them long for another glance. I felt the demon after it held firmly to my soul, pulling me down into some purgatory of sadness and depression. How this shattered heart still pumped my life-force to keep going remains a mystery to me. Life, colorless and without hope propels me to the end. You reject the us as mythology, the realm of unicorns and gods that shower down on their subjects. Rational, cold and alone, you calculate, looking for the next arc, the next destination, vowing to be more logical in your next selection. sitting on the bridge, dangling toes in the creek
the bridge is cool, the only thing that is on this impossibly warm day she's asking me questions about politics, pollution and possibilities and the day is just warm enough to loosen my tongue. I am spilling out my heart one pearl at a time on a well worn lifeline,not realizing just what I am saying and what the impact might be. something in the wind whispers for me to be still and in the silence I catch a glimpse of her wide, wondering eyes. She's asked me what I mean, and now is waiting for my reply. I have no idea, and to myself I think, sometimes the moment is bigger than the messenger. That though, won't do for an explanation of myself and what it all means, so I exhale and prepare a truncated soliloquy that might serve as a moment's distraction. smoke hung in the air and in my eyes, clouding my vision to reality
thank you though, for dispelling the smog and making it clear, how a straight flush of money, power, status and security will always trump true love, passion, dedication and sacrifice for you. I have given up on poker, it's a game I no longer care to play when fickle hearts will beat you with their clubs and spades, as they acquire more and more diamonds to their pool and fools like me aren't wanted in that game anyway. even the dead have birthdays to distract them from their obsession with the living.
they dress up in party hats and throw confetti on the special day. there is cake and ice cream and perhaps some adult beverages. music fills the air and they delight in one another's company. i no longer have birthdays because i am neither living nor dead. i'm stuck between worlds without a heart anymore. the leaves of last fall lie crumpled and dead in the ditch
they crackle and creak under foot and I envy their talent for talking from the grave. they burned brightly in hues that delighted us and as a justly earned reward they lie down in pastures that will become green. the tree that abandoned them long forgotten. we burned brightly together for a moment before you let go of me like so much detritus but instead of sweet release, I was sentenced to life. I sit, therefore, in a ditch covering myself and contemplating last Fall's leaves. It's caught my scent again and is coming up on me fast.
Haven't been able to outrun it or keep it at bay. It's relentless, no pity or mercy and will outlast all who try to cross its path. It is here to stay. It's had me by the throat and tears out my heart. If it I could run away with my soul and take all the pain I would welcome it in and set about to make a new start. Instead it only gnaws away and I am driven insane. This time though, it underestimates me and I stand still. Like a rabid animal it charges and I stand still shotgun at ready. Tonight I say goodbye to the painful memories that chill my heart and soul are united, my courage is steady. Tonight I bid you adieu. Tonight I am At a table for two that didn't signify what it used to mean, I met
you for a friendly dinner, catch up on where life took each of us. Passing the time, lost in conversation, it was so easy for my heart to believe that there might still be a chance for you and me. But then, I saw it in your smile. You didn't have to speak a word, but I saw a new love holding you just like I used to do. And I mourned not for the past but for the future lost of a whole life that just went up in flames, leaving nothing but dust. I saw it in your smile. I leaned in closer to you, feeling like the old times when you still believed in a love that could only be made of you and me. You were polite and didn't pull away, made me feel bolder, but all the while you were lipping further away. Filling me in on all you were doing and the plans being made. And then, I saw it in your smile. You didn't have to speak a word, but I saw a new love holding you just like I used to do. And I mourned not for the past but for the future lost of a whole life that just went up in flames, leaving nothing but dust. I saw it in your smile. As the night slipped further away, every chance of this dream of you and me, was vanishing under the moonlight. Finally got round to talking about dating and finding that forever that every heart is yearning for. That's when I saw it that my hope was a bust. I saw it in your smile. You didn't have to speak a word, but I saw a new love holding you just like I used to do. And I mourned not for the past but for the future lost of a whole life that just went up in flames, leaving nothing but dust. I saw it in your smile. I'll not do the work of death,
but would gladly welcome death in to do the deed. All rage has left me along with every reason I had to fear death for we only fear it when have something to lose. All that matter, all that made life worthwhile has evaporated, gone away in the span of a fly's life and I feel no solace. So I would welcome death in and rage against a life that has become a hollow prison's cell. |
Archives
May 2023
Categories
All
|