i need to request a favor
no, not that you love me again, for i know that i cannot make that so i ask that you remember me i feel as though my life is being consumed, taken away bit by bit, soon nothing much will remain of me and i need to know that one person who knew me remembers me. Although each day, I find my strength restored a little more,
I feel far away from you, removed in time to another place where there never was an us. The universe is slowly washing away all memory of those lines we blurred. In their place there are only sharp edges that tear at the heart and soul. I saw you in shadow and light.
A vision to behold, a fiery light that lit up the night. In you mixed the aromas of things beyond my reason, things that excited the heart of me and made me long for a soul worthy of a path that would lead to your own. You viewed me. You evaluated, calculated the trajectory that would lead to a shared path. In a mere glance, you contrived the exact arc of such a path, how the fires would burn to cool and meld into either security or a burnout. Probable failure but worth the risk. Into your orbit, I fell. A steady rhythm of heart, soul and a meeting of minds. I could hear your heartbeat, as it fluttered just so often, a skip of a beat, what did it mean? Would you be mine for all time? I imagined a future ending in two souls entwined for all time. You heard a heartbeat, the pulling in and pushing out of blood. Skips are a myth contrived by overactive imaginations. Out of imagination we deceive ourselves into believing things that aren't real, you couldn't see souls and entwining was farfetched. We together moved mountains, whether by sheer brilliance or the steady work of a pebble at a time. Others heard music like none other in our wake and the steady beat of our hearts pumped out a perfume that made them long for another glance. I felt the demon after it held firmly to my soul, pulling me down into some purgatory of sadness and depression. How this shattered heart still pumped my life-force to keep going remains a mystery to me. Life, colorless and without hope propels me to the end. You reject the us as mythology, the realm of unicorns and gods that shower down on their subjects. Rational, cold and alone, you calculate, looking for the next arc, the next destination, vowing to be more logical in your next selection. sitting on the bridge, dangling toes in the creek
the bridge is cool, the only thing that is on this impossibly warm day she's asking me questions about politics, pollution and possibilities and the day is just warm enough to loosen my tongue. I am spilling out my heart one pearl at a time on a well worn lifeline,not realizing just what I am saying and what the impact might be. something in the wind whispers for me to be still and in the silence I catch a glimpse of her wide, wondering eyes. She's asked me what I mean, and now is waiting for my reply. I have no idea, and to myself I think, sometimes the moment is bigger than the messenger. That though, won't do for an explanation of myself and what it all means, so I exhale and prepare a truncated soliloquy that might serve as a moment's distraction. smoke hung in the air and in my eyes, clouding my vision to reality
thank you though, for dispelling the smog and making it clear, how a straight flush of money, power, status and security will always trump true love, passion, dedication and sacrifice for you. I have given up on poker, it's a game I no longer care to play when fickle hearts will beat you with their clubs and spades, as they acquire more and more diamonds to their pool and fools like me aren't wanted in that game anyway. "We are such stuff. As dreams are made on; and our little life. Is
rounded with a sleep." - Shakespeare, The Tempest Yes, our little life is but rounded with a sleep. However, those small moments in between our sleep are what make life stunningly beautiful. Even as we struggle through our day-to-day toil of work, triumphs and failures, if we only step back, we can see just how beautiful a life is. What adds to the deep rich texture and color of our lives are the people we allow in. I have been blessed with not many deep relationships, but those I have had have been the stuff to make a life worth living. I met one such individual five years ago. I won't name names, as she is a private person, and I would do her injustice not to respect that, but she started by loving me. I am not always the easiest of people to love, but she fell in love with me, and even though we may not still be together, I believe she loves me still, in spite of all my deficiencies. She showed me a courage that I think sometimes she even doubts in herself when she pursued me. Then she showed the world her perseverance when she kept after me. Even though I already knew that I loved her, it was hard for me to let my guard down. Perhaps in some ways, I never did fully, and that definitely contributed to the end of us. In her presence, I usually felt that I could be myself, that I could laugh at life and that anything was possible. She helped me to find that ability within to dream and plan and work toward making a brilliant future. That's why it was so hard when she told me last year that she was ending our relationship. I have come to realize that in doing so, she pushed me on to another step in my evolution, my transcendence to becoming a better person, a person that I can be proud of, a person who will start to live life the way I should be. It was (and still is) a bitch getting through the fall, but without it, I would not have gotten through some things that I really needed to get through. Now that I am making changes, working through the issues and becoming better, I am showing my perseverance. I may never win her back as my lover, but I will not stop being her friend for I love her far too much to let her out of my life that easily. I must say, "Thank you, " to her for every wonderful thing that she has brought into my life. Even when things have a terrible moment, something wonderful can grow from it. Like the Phoenix, I am reborn and will be better for it. |
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